I have been given temporary accommodation in Gill’s bedroom, on account of the fact that the cat was eyeing me up as a potential scratching post. Cat vs Gill? I know where I’d rather be spending the night. I’m told that I gave her a nasty shock when she woke up at 3 am and briefly forgot about her new lodger. Anyone who knows Gill will be very surprised to hear that she has been having nightmares about a giant bottle of beer in her bedroom. Fantasies perhaps but……..?

Oh well – perhaps she has changed.

Saturday 13th March

She has not changed.

Last night she said she’d take me out ‘on the town’. She took me to a slaughter house!! Around here it is known as ‘a pub’ but I’m not stupid – I know what I saw. I smelt death the minute I walked through the door. Hundreds of my friends and family die in that place every week. I felt compelled to protest. Gill said I must shut up as I was putting the customers off their pints. I said I must save my friends. Gill said if I carried on having attitude like that she wouldn’t take me out any more.

I am grounded.

Sunday 14th March

Stayed in.

Monday 15th March

Stayed in.

Tuesday 16th March

This is getting boring. I may have to apologise.

Wednesday 17th March

Apologised.  Am now allowed out.

Thursday 18th March

Whilst discussing my childhood with Gill, I came to the somewhat disconcerting realisation that she drank both of my parents. On account of this I pointed out that it was only reasonable to expect her to provide me with some more so she has introduced me to her mother and father who have very kindly adopted me. I was delighted to discover that they are both very pleasant and peace-loving people, which came as a surprise to me, given the homicidal nature of their daughter. Actually it would probably be more accurate to describe her as ‘pincticidal’ which may not technically be a word but if it’s not, it ought to be so I am inventing it herewith. Please note that this has been derived quite properly from the Latin word for pint – ‘pincta’. (Interestingly my research on that matter has uncovered the fact that “For the Romans beer was considered a barbarian drink”. Quite right too.) Anyway, I digress. I spent a very happy evening with my new parents. My new father is a talented pianist and it transpires that I have inherited (in an adoptive sense of the word) his musical genes. Our first piano duet brought tears to a few people’s eyes, I can tell you.

My new mother is an equally talented cook and, unlike her daughter, appears not to have a tendency to throw one of my friends into everything she cooks.

Sadly my evening with my new family came to an all-too-abrupt end but I have a new Swiss bank account set up and my escape plan is hatched.

Friday 19th March

A few people have asked how our training for the marathon is going. The answer to that depends on who you talk to. Personally I am fighting fit and ready for the day already. Gill, on the other hand, has a way to go. We went for a short training run this week – to the end of the drive:

It took us some time to find Lucy after this. Eventually she was found hiding in the house, muttering about ‘social suicide’ and ‘never being able to show her face in the village again’. Personally I found this quite hurtful as I had always seen myself as a fine figure of a pint, with whom most people would be proud to be seen. Indeed, several people in the pub on Friday night seemed keen to take me home.

As far as the training is concerned, I think I’m pretty much sorted.

Saturday 20th March

Today we are preparing for  our first half marathon. I am very much looking forward to it, as our training run on the drive has filled me with confidence. Gill says it has filled her with terror but I really can’t see the problem – I felt great when we got back to the house and I can honestly say that I could have done it again with no ill effects.

Gill’s previous personal best in a half marathon is 1 hr 53 minutes which, quite frankly, I think is downright lazy. The course record for Fleet is 1 hr 6 minutes (set in 2007) (by a man) (of course) but I think they’ll be seeing a new one tomorrow.  Watch this space!

Sunday 21st March – my first race

Gill has gone to bed and is refusing to get out of it. Ever.  Honestly, I cannot believe she makes such a fuss. OK, so we ran a half marathon today - but I feel as fresh as a daisy. (In a macho kind of way, of course.) This is me after the race, just to prove my point. (Gill was collapsed in a corner somewhere by that stage and we were trying to pretend we didn’t know her.)

It’s not even as if she did a decent time – not only did she not do a personal best, she did a personal worst! 2 hours 20 – I mean really, I could have pushed a pram round the course faster if I’d been on my own - but no, she insisted I must wait for her. I’m not surprised everyone was laughing and pointing at us on the way round – I’m willing to bet they’d never seen such a slow pint of beer running in a race. She really does need to put in some serious training if she’s not going to let me down again in the marathon in 5 week’s time.

I must admit that we did stop at one point to help a lady who collapsed in front of us, just after the 11 mile mark. Naturally Gill had no clue what to do and even suggested feeding her beer. Fortunately I stayed calm and composed amidst the panic and, without wishing to appear immodest, I cannot deny that it was me who kept her alive until the ambulance arrived. If the lady in question is reading this, please do not feel indebted to me for saving your life, although if you really insist on a small reward then this can be sent via the Hook Norton Brewery. (Gill says she hopes you’re feeling better now and we’ll see you on the finish line next year!)

After the race I attended a very enjoyable party with food and drink laid on by the wonderful Leukaemia and Lymphoma Research staff and volunteers. I met a couple of famous people – I’m not sure who they were and they can’t be as famous as me because I’ve never heard of them. I think one of them works on a farm or something. Anyway, I have included their photos because I think they were quite excited about being photographed with me.

Monday 22nd March

Guinness World Record attempt?! She has got to be having a laugh. I’m not breaking a rival’s record! He can break mine if he wants to but I’m not breaking his – whoever he is. The cheek of it – doesn’t he know who I am? And ‘the fastest marathon run by a woman dressed as a bottle’? Oh, it’s all about her isn’t it? Where’s my record category, that’s what I want to know.  Well she can’t do it without me and I’m not doing it.

I am on strike!

Tuesday 23rd March

I am still on strike.

Wednesday 24th March

This is great – Gill is being really nice to me to try to get me to change my mind. I am the world’s most pampered pint.

Thursday 25th March

This is not so great. Gill is no longer being nice to me. She is now resorting to scare tactics. Today she threatened to torch me. I have no idea what this means but I don’t think it involves a torch. I called Social Services and asked to be put on the At Risk Register but they said I am already on it because I am a pint of beer living in Gill’s house and it doesn’t get any riskier than that. Emma and Lucy told me they have always found Childline to be a great source of comfort and support so I called them but they said they were unable to help on account of the fact that I am a pint of beer. I could not believe this – what sort of a society is this that I live in, where a bottle of beer can be abused in his own home and nobody cares? I pay my taxes like everyone else! In fact beer is taxed at extortionate rates according to Gill.

I have written to my MP.

Friday 26th March

Help!! Today Gill came into my room with a box of matches.

I have decided to go for the record. After all, on reflection, I realised that the time to change the name from Guinness World Records to Hook Norton Beer World Records is probably once I have beaten it, rather than before.

Saturday 27th March

This week I am to have a very important experience. I am to attend a meeting (a meeting, no less, not just a chance encounter – a MEETING) with only-the-most-important-man-in-the-whole-world ………… Mr James Clarke, Manager of the Hook Norton Brewery!!! This meeting is to discuss my forthcoming publicity campaign and I am overcome with excitement to discover that I am to appear in a newspaper with him! This is beyond all my wildest dreams. (Well, maybe not my very wildest dreams but certainly beyond my quite wild ones.)

Sunday 28th March

Gill says that there are a few things I need to get straight before I am allowed to meet Mr Clarke, as the meeting is likely to be in ‘that place’ and I must be on my best behaviour this time. I told her that I was on my best behaviour last time but she says that my best behaviour must be better behaved than that. She sat me down (or rather she sat herself down – I cannot sit down, which is a rather unfortunate side-effect of being a bottle of beer) and told me I needed to understand the circle of life, which she drew for me:

I  pointed out that her ‘circle’ of life is in fact a semi-circle, which I felt detracted somewhat from the whole circle theme. She then drew me another semi-circle and told me quite firmly that two semi-circles make a circle:

There is a flaw in her logic – but I wasn’t going to risk getting grounded again by drawing her attention to this. I guess I’ll just have to bite my tongue on this one.

Monday 29th March – Wednesday 31st March

You won’t believe what she’s gone and done now! She’s only locked me in the garage for 3 days!! She said I was giving her nightmares. I was giving HER nightmares? What does she think I’ve been having in the garage? It’s pitch black out there and there are spiders – and I can tell you, it’s a very unpleasant experience having spiders crawling up your bottom when you’re a pint of beer. I am a very traumatised pint.

Thursday 1st April

I’m saved! Today my incarceration came to an end when she had to get me out because the press were coming to meet me. Needless to say the interviews were all about her:  How old is she? (44 for heavens sake – how boring is that? I’m not even 2 months old and I’m about to run my first marathon! Now THAT’S impressive); How long has she been training for? (Not long enough, as was blindingly obvious at Fleet); Does she think she’ll break the world record? (No she’s got absolutely no hope – but I might) – and on and on and on. I’ve read that my poor late father (god rest his soul) had the same problem with her constantly stealing the limelight but in the end he crossed the marathon finish line before her and I’m confident that I shall do the same so I shall bide my time.

Anyway, a wonderful thing has happened to me today. Not only have I met, for the first time and in person …..His Lordship Mr James Clarke……but also…… (I very nearly lost my head when I heard this)….he has invited me to live at the Hook Norton Brewery from now on!! What a wonderful, wonderful man. I cannot sing his praises highly enough. (Actually I cannot sing. But I’m working on that.) I am finally amongst friends.

Friday 2nd April

I have no idea what Gill is up to and I don’t care! I have come home J J

Saturday 3rd April – Saturday 17th April

What bliss! I am living in the bosom of my family. (Well, in reality there aren’t many bosoms around – it is a very macho environment here at the brewery and that’s the way we like it, we pints.) I’ve heard on the grapevine that Gill has not been well and has been using that as an excuse for not training. Well she’d just better be fit enough to keep up with me on 25^th or there’ll be trouble, I can tell you.

I have been having a wonderful time in the brewery visitor centre. I have been greatly admired by young and old and somebody even mistook me for a wishing well and threw some money into me!  I have met Chrissie (my dear father’s first love) and I have to agree she is a vision of loveliness. I may give her a call after 25^th and see if she wants to hang out – I think she probably will.

Sunday 18th April

Help! I’ve been kidnapped!! She’s got me back L This time it’s some crazy story about us meeting Sir Ian Botham tomorrow. Now I’ve heard about this knight bloke – my father wrote about him in his diary and he is a FAKE! He has no suit of armour, no horse ...... indeed, not a shred of knightliness about him at all, from what I’ve read  -  and I am outraged to discover that he spends his days not fighting bravely for king and country but playing a ‘game’ called cricket. Gill has explained the rules to me – apparently somebody throws a ball at somebody else who is standing in front of some sticks with a stick balanced on top. If the ball knocks over the sticks then the batting bloke is out and can go to the pub. If the batting bloke hits the ball and someone catches it, he is also out and joins the rest of the out blokes at the pub. If he hits the ball and nobody catches it then he can run up and down the field several times before he gets tired and stops. Then someone else has a go. This carries on for several days until one of the teams gets bored and surrenders. Well, I ask you – how on earth can anyone call that a game? I’ve had more fun cutting my toenails. And imagine getting to Sir Ian’s great age and having spent your whole life doing this! Poor chap!! I am going to have a word with him tomorrow and suggest he tries football, which at least sounds a little more exciting. Tomorrow his life is going to take a definite turn for the better.

Monday 19th April

Today I went for a walk in London with Sir Ian Botham – and what a fantastic experience that was! The plan was for us all to meet up in Hyde Park and wait for Sir Ian who had popped into Marks and Spencers to get a sandwich on the way to the start. Whilst we were waiting (he took a while to choose) we heard some announcements about who else would  be joining us on the walk and it was at this point that my day took a nose dive when Gill heard that Hugh Grant would be with him. When Sir Ian finally arrived, accompanied by a huge crowd of people, police motor cycles…and Hugh, Gill set off at a flat-out sprint, forgetting all about her earlier promise to walk with Percy Pig. I have to say that she’d have given Paula Radcliffe a run for her money and I was initially quite impressed – but our pace was making it a little difficult for people to put money in our collection pot. I managed to slow her down eventually and, as it turned out, Hugh was nowhere to be seen at the end - he appeared to have dropped out half way round. Gill decided that if he was so much of a wimp he couldn’t walk 4.5 miles he wasn’t worth bothering with – quite a revelation after 25 years of professing undying love for him. Personally,  I can’t help wondering whether the poor guy ran away in terror, having heard that he was being chased around Hyde Park by a giant beer bottle. Anyway, if she is cured of her crush and I don’t have to watch Notting Hill for the 15^th time in my short life, she can think what she likes.

Sir Ian is a nice guy, although he needs to work on his hand-writing, as his autograph is illegible. Still, I suppose he was too busy practising cricket to pay much attention by the time they got to joined-up writing at school. I didn’t get chance to expound on my football vs cricket theory (Gill was too busy looking for Hugh) but I’m sure I’ll get a chance soon, as Beefy (as he is known to his close friends) (of which I am now one) says he knows Hook Norton well, so I’m sure he’ll drop in for a pint before long.

On the walk, everyone was keen to have their photos taken with me and we found this to be a great way of raising money. Several groups of tourists have gone home very proud and happy with photos of them with the enormously famous Hooky Pint! £1 per photo seemed to work in most instances, although I did have to stop her from chasing one group of very scared Japanese tourists, who took flight when they realised she was after their Yens.

I was very excited when we were interviewed by a TV crew at one point on the walk but just a teeny bit disappointed to discover that it was Marks and Spencer’s TV and that I was to feature with Percy Pig. Still, I’m sure the BBC will be on to me soon J

Tuesday 20th – Saturday 24th April

This week has been very boring. Gill has been ‘tapering’, which means sitting with her feet up drinking lots of beer. Most people eat lots of pasta (which they call carb-loading) but Gill insists that there are more carbohydrates in beer.

I can’t wait – I am so excited and I really do feel that I’m in with a chance of achieving what my poor father didn’t and actually winning the marathon. I am at the peak of my fitness and I think a few African runners are going to get a shock tomorrow!

Sunday 25th April – MARATHON DAY!

Well what an amazing day this has been! Sadly I didn’t quite come first (in fact I came 25166^th and I blame Gill entirely for the lost 25165 places – more of that later) BUT I beat the current Guinness World Record of 5 hours and so I am now officially The Fastest Bottle in the World!

Because of the world record attempt, we were upgraded to the green start which is where the VIPs start from. When we arrived the press were all swarming round somebody that they thought was a princess – and would you believe it? Another fake! The girl had no crown!! Are they blind or what? She was also with a group of 33 other people who I strongly suspect were on day release from some sort of high-security establishment, as they were all tied together. They were heavily guarded though and I’m pleased to report that none of them escaped, as I saw them at the end and they were still tied together which was a great relief.

Whilst we were waiting for the start I met a few of the other runners – the Fullers London Pride bottle (nice chap but not as handsome as me), the Lucozade bottle (not beer, enough said), a Teletubby (wrong!), a lobster, tiger and an 8 metre tall giraffe. We guys hung out while Gill talked to some of the other people who were attempting to break records, in between her attempts to break into the VIP tent because she’d seen some of the Eastenders cast in there. She spent a while talking to the lady who knits scarves whilst running marathons and discovered that this year she was crocheting for the first time. Girl stuff - zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Gill says that crocheting a 77 metre long scarf on the way round a marathon is impressive and that I couldn’t do it. Whatever! (Bet I could.)

Eventually we were off and I have to say that we both enjoyed the first 4 miles enormously. The support from the crowds was incredible and I felt quite choked when I heard so many people in the crowds shouting ‘Go on Old Hooky!’ Conversely, there were one or two people I could have choked – like the ones who shouted ‘Go on London Pride’ – to ME!! – and the person who said ‘Go on the ketchup bottle’ was very lucky that I had to keep running to make sure I broke the record.

Miles 5 to 26 were, to put it bluntly, a nightmare. Gill moaned the whole way – mostly about my weight! MY weight?! I have managed to keep my body down to a trim 11.5lb throughout this whole training programme. I think she needs to look a bit closer to home and start counting those beers she puts away if she wants to find the source of the weight problem. Really, I’ve never heard such a fuss – now I know what my poor dad had to put up with – I mean all she had to do was keep running. I was the one with the hard jobs – entertaining the crowds, making sure she didn’t get lost (well, I could hardly leave the navigating to a woman, could I lads?)

Sadly, crossing the finishing line wasn’t quite the moment of elation I’d hoped for, as I was too tall to fit under the overhead boards, so the crowds were treated to the entertaining sight of a 7 foot beer bottle being knocked over and finishing the marathon on its knees! But I’m proud to say that I got her round – and I did it – finishing in 4hours, 54 minutes and 36 seconds and breaking the Guinness World Record for the fastest marathon run by a woman dressed as a bottle. (They just had to add the woman bit didn’t they? L)

Afterwards lots of people wanted to take my photo (although Gill kept getting in the way as per usual) and I was interviewed by several reporters. Sadly I didn’t make it onto the TV because the BBC crew were too busy fussing around the fake princess who finished just after me (AFTER please note - she’s a fake and she’s slow!!) but my photo was on the BBC website:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/london/8642770.stm

(although the caption is a little insulting – I was most certainly NOT ‘wobbling’ over Tower Bridge! Gill might have been wobbling but I wasn’t!!)

I was also very excited to appear on page 4 of the Guardian the next day – ha ha Mr London Pride – where were you?! (Actually he was ahead of me but that’s not the point!) I have been in a few other publications too and I suspect I may be the only pint of beer to have been featured in both The Publican and Athletics Weekly in the same week!

So – would I do it again? Definitely! With Gill? Definitely NOT! So if anyone is not busy on 17^th April 2011 and fancies taking me round, please get in touch. That fastest male bottle record is still up for grabs!